No! Really??

Okay, I get it.  Smoking is a bad habit.  I acknowledge this.  I really do.

I try to stand away from others when I do it so they're not bothered.  I don't smoke in my home or in the homes of others.  I do my best not to litter.  I stand the prerequisite 15 ft. from a doorway.  If a child is coming down the sidewalk, I step away so smoke doesn't go toward them.

Here's the thing though ... I'm not an idiot.

It's not like I don't know that it's bad for me!  Just like you know that cheeseburger you're eating is bad for you.  Just like you know that 3rd drink at the bar might not be great for you.  I know it, but I choose to do it anyway.

I don't yell at people who have screaming infants in public places.  It bothers me.  It's noise pollution.  It was their choice to procreate.  But, it's not unbearable for a few seconds as I walk by.   I may think your perfume stinks to high heaven, but it's not socially acceptable for me to do a fake cough and hold my nose as I walk by you.  And before you start getting irate, no, I do not think that these situations are all the same.  I'm just making a point!

I know that many people disagree with what I'm saying, but here's the thing: Do you really think you're telling people something new when you tell them that smoking is bad for them????  Really, Einstein?

If you have people you love that you are truly concerned about because of their smoking, talk to them about it.  Come at it from a place of love.  But do not (I BEG OF YOU) show them a picture of a blackened lung or give them an ingredient list from a pack of cigarettes.  You immediately put them on the defensive and they don't want to talk to you about it anymore!

Smoking is addictive, and ... here's the clincher ... it's something people actually like to do.  It gives us an excuse to go outside periodically.  It gives us a chance to socialize.  It gives us a little buzz.  It calms our nerves.  Etc.

Please, please, please don't act like smokers must be idiots because smoking is nothing more than a way to kill yourself.  Try being a little bit more understanding and they'll probably be more understanding of where you're coming from too.

That's all I have to say about that.

Inspire Me, Dammit!

So, one of my hobbies is making jewelry.  Unfortunately, I have been COMPLETELY uninspired lately!  I feel like everything I make is mundane and trite.  Worst of all, I think it might be boring.  Or, even worse than worst of all ... cute.

Let's face it, I'm not exactly an artist.  But, I like to make things.  Therein lies the rub, dear friends.

How do you deal with wanting to make things and wanting to create, but not having the talent to do so in a big way???

I can't tell you how jealous I am of people I know who truly are artists.  They have the eye, they have the inspiration, they have the drive, they have the talent!  Envy is circling me like an emerald-eyed snake right now.  And I can't think of a thing to do with the emeralds...

Let It Go.

So, I was recently talking with some co-workers about my theories of control.  I have two certain theories that I utilize quite frequently.  The first I call the “Hand on Nose” theory and the other is the “What” theory.  There were some doubters and some who had questions.  Thus, I decided I should try to explain what I was talking about just a bit more clearly.  As a disclaimer: I am no philosopher or life coach.  These are just some theories that work for me a lot of the time.  I’m sure there are holes here and there, but I’m also not planning to write a book and go on Oprah to tell millions of people how to live their lives.  Just my thoughts…

“Hand on Nose”

Basically, this is a theory to help manage those crazy “what if” trains of thought that can really drive you crazy if you let it.  For example, you’re worried that your friend is mad at you and they’re going to hate you forever.  Now, put your hand in front of your nose. 

This is to demonstrate how far your control extends.  You can control yourself – your actions and reactions – but not those of anyone else around you.  If it’s something you are truly concerned about, you can exert control over how you act in this situation.  So, you can decide to confront your friend about the problem, you can decide what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, but you certainly can’t control how they’ll react to that confrontation. Make sense?

It’s very much related to the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  It also relates to another one of my favorite quotes,  "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

You can influence people.  You can make suggestions to people.  You can teach people.  You can mediate for people.  You can advise people.   But all I’m saying here is that you can only control yourself, not others.  I would go so far as to say that, if you do  honestly think you can control others, you’d need a spoiler alert before you read the following sentence: The tooth fairy isn’t real.

“What”

This one is to take “Hand on Nose” to a different place.  The mantra is “What?  So what?  Now what?”  Most people seem to have trouble getting to “Now What.”  And now, an example:

WHAT: What’s actually happening? 

My friends are outside fighting.

SO WHAT:  What implications does this have for me? 

Is it my fault?  No.  But, they might come inside and want me to take sides.  They might make things awkward for ALL of us.  They might ruin the WHOLE EVENING!!!!

NOW WHAT: So, what can I do about it? 

I can sit here and worry about it (which is actually ruining my night).  I can go out and step in the middle of it and FORCE them to make up (refer to Hand on Nose).  I can just wait for them to work it out and see what happens when they come inside. I'll make the decision that, if they are horrible and obnoxious, I'll tell them to leave me out of it.  If they are perfectly fine when they come back in, there was nothing to worry about anyway!

It comes down to the idea that I just have to make a decision about how to react to the situation.  Am I worrying about something that (in all actuality) only exists in my own mind right now?  If it’s something real, what am I going to do about it?  Until I make a decision on what action (or inaction) I’m going to take, all it is is a worry hanging out in the ether slowly forming a dark cloud of panic.  Useless.  Absolutely useless. 

So, this is the short version of what I was saying about control.  I try not to overanalyze it.  If it helps, it helps.  But, that’s just me!  

Hugs and ponies,

Amanda

P.S. The "What" theory also helps when you're trying to figure out what to put in a report to the client!  :)

AT&T Sucks

As I have dealt with the utter absurdity that AT&T calls customer service, it came to mind what it would be like if I ran my business the way they do.  As most of you know, I work in market research.  In my odd little brain, the following scenario was born …

********************

My company, AS&S, has put forth a proposal to my client.  We’ll call her Betsy.  Betsy works for a company that sells beauty supplies and has a new lipstick to which she would like to gather customer reactions.

In the proposal, we show her that we can offer her the services she needs at a price she deems reasonable.  AS&S is hired.  Betsy signs the contract.

********************

[on a phone call]

Betsy:  Hello, Amanda!  We would like to conduct some focus groups around our new lipstick.  Can you take care of that for me?

Amanda:  Of course!  No problem!

********************

 [one week later]

Amanda:  I’ve sent you the discussion guide outlining the groups.

Betsy:  But this only talks about mascara and eyeliner …

Amanda:  Yes.

Betsy:  But I wanted groups on lipstick.

Amanda:  Noted.  I’ll just talk you through how this applies to lipstick.

Betsy:  (pause) Okaaaaay.

********************

[another week later]

Betsy arrives for the focus groups, but Amanda has said that she will just show up some time between noon and four o’clock.

Betsy waits.  And waits.  And waits.

At 4:30, she calls AS&S …

Bamanda:  This is Bamanda McPerkyfornoreason!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  Um, Amanda was supposed to show up for some focus groups between noon and four today, but I haven’t heard from her and she’s not here.

Bamanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Bamanda:  Well, it looks like we have a lot of focus groups in that area.  I can assure you that Amanda will be there sometime today though.

Betsy:  Any idea what time?

Bamanda:  I’m sorry; it’s against our policy to speculate on the arrival time of Amanda.

Betsy:  I suppose I have no choice except to wait then.

Bamanda:  Yup!  I hope you have a super duper day!

[Betsy waits, but Amanda does not call or show up for the groups]

********************

[the next day, Betsy calls AS&S yet again]

Camanda:  This is Camanda McInept!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups yesterday, but never showed up or called.  I waited until 4:00, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime yesterday, but she never did.

Camanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Camanda:  It looks like there were a lot of focus groups in that area and Amanda thought that your subject was probably covered in one of them. 

Betsy:  WHAT????  No, it wasn’t!  I still need to get consumer reactions to my new lipstick!!!!

Camanda:  What I can do for you is set up some focus groups on Wednesday sometime between 8:00 and noon.

Betsy:  That’s a week from now!  I needed my information yesterday!

Camanda:  I’m sorry.  That’s all I can do.  We have a lot of focus groups going on in that area!  Do you want me to just tell you what I think of your lipstick?

Betsy:  What??  No!!  I guess there’s not much I can do about it.  I’ll have to cancel all my meetings on Wednesday now.

Camanda:  You’ll receive an email and a phone call verifying that Amanda will be there.

Betsy:  (grumbling)  Fine.

********************

[by Tuesday, Betsy has not received an email or a phone call verifying her appointment, so she calls AS&S … again]

Damanda:  This is Damanda McStupid!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  (speaking faster than a Texas auctioneer)  Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups, but never showed up or called!  I waited, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime, but she never did!  Then I spoke to Camanda and she said that she had rescheduled Amanda for tomorrow!  She said that I’d get a phone call and email to verify the appointment, but I haven’t received anything, so I wanted to check!

Damanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Damanda:  It looks like that appointment never got on the calendar.  We can have someone conduct your focus groups next Saturday though!

Betsy:  @#!T%$%$&^%FU!!!!!!!!!

Damanda:  Ma’am?  I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you.

Betsy:  LET ME TALK TO SOMEONE IN CHARGE!!!!!  THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!

Damanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for another 20 minutes]

Emanda:  This is Emanda McIhatepeople!  I’m an AS&S supervisor.  How can I help you?

Betsy:  (by now, she is unable to control the volume of her voice)  FIRST, I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE RIGHT DISCUSSION GUIDE!  THEN, AMANDA WAS SUPPOSED TO CONDUCT FOCUS GROUPS!  SHE NEVER CALLED!  SHE NEVER SHOWED!  I’VE BEEN ON HOLD SO MANY TIMES I’VE LOST COUNT!  THEN, CAMANDA RESCHEDULED THE GROUPS!  THEN, DAMANDA TOLD ME IT DIDN’T GET RESCHEDULED! 

[Betsy pauses to hyperventilate and breathe in to a paper bag that was conveniently located near her phone] 

THEN, I’M TOLD THAT IT WILL HAVE TO BE RESCHEDULED TO NEXT SATURDAY!  THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!  I NEED MY GROUPS NOW!!!!!!!!  I NEEDED THEM A WEEK AND A HALF AGO!!!!!!!!!

Emanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 30 minutes.  During this time, she has gotten a knife, but has not yet formulated an executable plan.]

Emanda:  Betsy?  What I can do is get someone out there on Saturday.

Betsy:  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!  Forget it!  To hell with this!  I want to cancel my work with AS&S!

Emanda:  I’ll have to escalate this to another level and have my supervisor, Famanda McDumbass, call you in the morning.

Betsy:  FINE!!!!!!!!!!!

********************

[Betsy receives a phone call the next morning.]

Famanda:  This is Famanda McDumbass!  I’ll help you cancel your contract with AS&S.  First, you’ll need to pay $1,000,000 as a cancellation fee.

[At this point, Betsy goes seriously postal.  She drives to the AS&S office and whacks all the employees, from Amanda to Zamanda. ]

Betsy:  (panting from the exertion put forth during slaughter, speaking to no one in particular)  Damn.  I still need to get those focus groups done …

THE END

********************

The moral of this story is - AT&T sucks.  If the rest of the world ran their businesses like they do, everyone would get whacked.

Southern Does Not Mean Stupid

The following conversation actually happened:

Them, "You're from Arkansas?"
Me, "Yup."
Them, "Why would anyone want to live in Arkansas?  It's just a bunch of rednecks and cows."
Me, "I used to wonder the same thing about Chicago.  Why would anyone want to live among a bunch of gang members and homeless people?"
Them, "What?  Chicago's not like that."
Me, "And you're just as wrong about Arkansas."

My point is: I firmly believe that there is not a state in our country that doesn't have stereotypes.  And yes, stereotypes come from somewhere.  There are rednecks in Arkansas.  There are gangs in Chicago.  There are ditzy blondes in California.  There are rude people in New York.  There are potato farmers in Idaho.  However, this does NOT mean that everyone in the state exactly the same!

While these stereotypes are excellent fodder for comedians, they are not acceptable in everyday life!  I used to just shake my head in disappointment and chalk it up to ignorance.  Then, I decided, "Why is ignorance okay?  Why is it an acceptable excuse?"  It's not.  Please know that, if I hear you talk about the South as a bunch of dumb hicks, I will gently correct you.  Or not so gently ... it really depends on what you said.  :)

So, as a public service for anyone who holds these stereotypes, let me clear up a few things about myself:

1. I wear shoes.
2. I grew up with running water.
3. I have never had a romantic relationship with a relative.
4. I am not an idiot.
5. I like my Southern accent.
6. I own nothing with the Confederate flag on it because I understand the war is over.
7. I have been to a museum.
8. I don't think of myself as better or worse than you because of where I'm from.
9. I don't think the South will "rise again" because I don't know where exactly it would rise from or to.
10. I was not pregnant at age 12.
11. I have a college degree.
12. I do not own one gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate a rack.
13. I am not a racist.
14. I do not own a pair of overalls.

I'm sure there is more to clear up about myself, but just ask and I'll tell you.  And now, I will end with a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.  

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

¡Cállate, Danish!

I need to buy chocolate flavored shoes.  Seriously.  I have a very big problem with just blurting things out.  Open mouth, insert foot.  This often occurs in one of three scenarios.  The first is just an I-can't-believe-that-just-happened kind of scenario.  The other two are directly related to one of my virtues and downfalls: trying to be funny.  Let's start with the one that makes you close your eyes and shake your head in shame, shall we?

Scenario 1: I don't know they're behind me.

It's true.  I don't know how it happens, but if I say something snarky about someone else, they ALWAYS seem to end up being right behind me.  I don't say snarky things about people very often, mainly for this reason.  

It all started in high school.  I'm walking down the hall with one of my BFF's, Jocelyn, and I confide to her that there is this person that I don't really like.  I understand that most people like him, but I just don't for some reason.  Cue sad voice behind me ... "But I've always liked you ..."  Doh!  Boy did I feel like a schmuck.  

Scenario 2: I don't know they're dumb.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt to begin with.  Unless it's obvious that it's not true, I assume that you have a reasonable amount of intelligence.  I assume that you are a normal human being.  I assume that you have a sense of humor (yes, I associate humor with intelligence).  I assume that you will understand sarcasm.  I assume that you will not have totally uninformed opinions.  I assume that you don't just think stupid shit.  I know, I know, "When you assume ... "  I've heard the old adage.  I guess I'm just a cock-eyed optimist, but I like to think that the really dumb people are a minority!  Stop proving me wrong, people!  

Cue Danish, "Wow!  That person sure is a mouth-breather! *hee hee*!"   Dumb person, "What?"  "You know, when people walk around with their mouths hanging open and they just look stupid?  *hee hee*!"  "I don't think you should make fun of someone who has breathing problems."  Danish says, "What???  I wasn't ... making ... fun ... oh hell, never mind."  

Scenario 3: I just wasn't thinking.

My brain sometimes works slower than my mouth.  Okay, my brain often works slower than my mouth.  On the positive side, this allows me to say things that are pretty darn funny without the little voice asking me if it's really appropriate.  

So, let's say there is a perfect opportunity for an incredibly humorous grandma joke.  I love my grandmothers dearly and mean them no disrespect ever, but this is just going to be friggin' funny!  Little Devil Danish, who obviously controls the mouth, says, "You're HILARIOUS!  Say it!  Say it!"  Then, a few seconds later, Little Angel Danish, who controls the head, is apparently just waking up from a nap.  She yawns, stretches, rubs her eyes, and then says sleepily, "Don't forget that girl's grandma just died yesterday."  INFORMATION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL A FEW SECONDS AGO!  Then, she's awake enough to help me with an apology for how thoughtless I was.  

I really do hate my foot-in-mouth disease and I honestly do try to control it.  Sometimes, though ... sometimes I slip ...

L.O.V.E.

I'm no fashionista.  I leave that to some of my other friends.  However ... I love jewelry.  I adore it.  I worship it. I think I am the only person I've ever heard of who actually cried in the "precious gems" museum at the Smithsonian.  True story.

I found this AMAZING site on Etsy that has stunning jewelry that is totally unique.  It's by Betsy & Iya.  There are vintage pieces, goddesses, chains, earrings that hang to your shoulder ... I'm drooling.

To top it off, the prices are really quite good.

This is one of my favorites, a three-strand necklace with a pendant depicting the Egyptian goddess, Isis.

Enjoy.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/betsyandiya?ref=top_trail

MMG

I've decided that the traditional text abbreviations just don't work for me.  How often does something make me "laugh out loud" or "laugh my ass off"?

My new acronyms will be "MMG" and "LOTI," meaning, "made me giggle" and "laughing on the inside," respectively.

And now, something I saw today that totally MMG...

This was the header image on Cool Hunting's website.  Hilarious.

I hope it MYG too.

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

It's strange.  There are two foods that I've just never liked, but for some reason I keep trying them because I feel that I SHOULD like them.  Why these two foods, I honestly don't know.

I don't like liver.  I'm okay with that.  I don't keep trying liver to see if maybe I happen to like it that day.  Same with parsnips.  Not a fan.  No issues there.

Brie and oatmeal are a different story.

Brie - the most widely accepted frufru cheese there is.  People rave about it.  Restaurants are known for it.  You can slice it, bake it, melt it, wrap it in puff pastry.  I, however, have never liked it.  There's some secondary flavor note in it that doesn't agree with my palate.  You'd think, then, that if I were offered Brie, I would just say, "No thank you."  Not the case, my friends.  I try it.  Over and over again, I try it.   I never like it, but I just ... keep ... trying it.

Same with oatmeal.  It's supposed to be good for you.  I think it's the equivalent of runny cement with slime added.  But it SMELLS good.  And it's supposed to be good for my heart.  And I've recently started doing some work on a prominent company that produces it (hint: not Amish, but ...).  I've tried it with more liquid, less liquid, instant, standard, steel cut, flavored, unflavored, sweet, savory, I just ... keep ... trying it.

Today, my friends.  I am throwing in the towel, waving the white flag, showing my belly, tapping out, calling the game.

I am going to accept the fact that I do not like Brie or oatmeal.  I do not like it in a boat. I do not like it on my coat.  I do not like it for my meal.  I do not like it on deal.  I do not like it with a spoon.  I do not like it from the moon.  I do not like Brie and oatmeal.

I've said it.  So it is written.  So it shall be.  Hitherto and forthwith, I will not be trying these dreadful foods just because I think I should like them.  Done.

Ford and Jobs are Wrong

"If I'd have asked my customers what they wanted, they would have told me 'A faster horse.'"

-Steve Jobs quoting Henry Ford, on why asking customers what they want is not always the best way to do things.  (Fortune)

Seriously, guys?  Could there BE a more egotistical, self-centered quote?

My brother, Josh, mentioned this quote from Steve Jobs to me on the phone yesterday.  I can't tell you how wrong I think it is! 

What these arrogant men are trying to say is that they are much smarter and more forward-thinking than the masses.  Okay.  Maybe they are more forward-thinking and have more base knowledge than the general population.  BUT ... you have to listen to what people really need.  They said they wanted "faster horses" but all that really means is that they have a need to go faster! 

To quote my friend, Ben Freeman ... It ain't hard. 

Having people imagine what could be helps them really figure out what they need.  If you are in a position to create a solution, it is your responsibility to your consumer to listen to what they honestly need and use your knowledge and expertise to help them with the best way to solve for that need! 

If you are an expert chef and your patron comes in and tells you what flavors they like, you'd better not write them off and do what you want just because they're not a chef.  Take in to account what their palate loves and surprise them with your creativity around it.  You're much more likely to delight them.

Oyvey. 

Suck it, Steve Jobs.

Chi Dane

So, this is where I live now!  Very cute.  Nice street.  Good times had by all.

Lisa rode up here with me and helped me get unpacked.  If it weren't for her, I think I'd still be eyeball deep in boxes!  My "plus" room is totally packed, yet organized thanks to Mrs. Bridgers.  We did discover that my bedroom door won't shut because my bed's too big.  Thank goodness I live by myself!

I'm walking a lot more than I ever have.  15 minutes to the train every morning, 15 minutes from the train every night.  Plus, anywhere else I need to go.  Not a ton in the grander scheme of things, but I'll bet it will feel like more of a trek in the Chicago winters!

The train itself has its quirks.  I had my first experience with getting on a super-packed train in the summer when it's raining.  Gross.  Absolutely disgusting.  I think I actually saw steam rising from people.  Did I mention it was gross?

There's also a lot of douchbaggery going on on the train.  Guys checking out their hair and popped collars in the windows, that sort of thing.  I think one very well dressed man cleaned his fingernails the entire trip.  Interesting.

I had to do laundry in a dungeon last night.  One washer.  One dryer.  Both circa 1970.  $2.25 a load total.  Plus, it took me two and a half hours to finish two loads.  Awesome!  I'm definitely going to start taking my laundry somewhere and having it washed for me.  Totally worth it!

I live in an awesome neighborhood, Wicker Park/East Village.  Tons of restaurants, shops, bars, everything fun!  They're also really in to brunch around here.  Everyone has a brunch menu, most including something they claim is a "hangover cure."  Love it.  My favorite guacamole is definitely at Big Star.  Phenomenal. 

This will be my first solo weekend in Chicago!  Let's all hope that I find something free and fun to do!  Let's face it, after the move, I'm broke as a joke!  If you have suggestions, pass them along!

Flag Pole Sitta

What’s the difference between being paranoid and being perceptive?

I am one of those people who take note of everything happening around me. My mind then translates these notes in to assumptions. Yes, I know the old adage about what happens when you “ass-u-me,” but let’s face it, everyone does it.

Oddly, what happens AFTER I assume seems to define my actions. If I was totally off, I’m paranoid. If I was spot on, I’m perceptive. Really? Maybe I was just off that day!

I think that the real difference between those who are paranoid and those who are perceptive is just how good they are at interpreting the world around them. Do you interpret everything as having something to do with you? Paranoid. Do you think that nothing has to do with you? Clueless. Do you accurately interpret what is going on around you? Real.

I have spoken.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry...

I've mentioned before that I'm not that good at being angry. 

Let me preface this with the fact that I honestly don't get to the point that I call true ANGER that often.  Most of my aggressions can be handled with simple sarcasm.  I get that out, I feel better.  However ... there are times when someone or something really gets to me.  When this rarity happens ... It.  Is.  On.

My first instinct is to become a weakness-seeking missile.  I have an uncanny ability to work the subject that will hurt you the most in to the conversation/argument.  Have an insecurity?  I will attack it.  My anger grips your insecurity in its locking jaws and then proceeds to bite and shake it until it is just a quivering mass of pathetic gelatin on the dirty, dirty ground. 

To put it lightly, I get mean. 

Please don't mistake me, I absolutely do not like this part of my personality!  I have learned over the years to really harness all of my self-control to keep the beast in check.  Unfortunately, I kind of went too far to the opposite for a few years.  This is also a bad idea.  I developed ulcers.  Now, I'm at a really good place where I can typically express myself somewhere in the middle.  I'm very happy about this.

However ... Don't push me too far.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

Einstein was Right

Sometimes, you just have to put things in perspective.

In my former life (B.S. - Before Saatchi), I was a case manager and drug/alcohol counselor for Washington County Drug Treatment Court.  This was when I was about 22 years old.

One day, I realized that I had talked 4 people down from suicide, signed up for a class to get my concealed handgun permit, and was attacked by a meth-head diving over a table full of urine samples to try and choke me. 

This all happened in the course of a week.

I quit.

Now, there are days in my cushy corporate job where I think everything sucks or that this is the worst day ever.  Not true.  I need to think to myself, "Self, this is not nearly as bad as the day a meth-head dove over a table of urine samples to try and choke you." 

Hmm ... I think that saying would look lovely cross-stitched in to a sampler. 

The moral of the story: It's all relative.

Branding

So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm kind of a big dork that often finds everyday things fascinating or humorous. 

I think signs can be both fascinating and humorous.  If you think about it, signs are a very concise way for someone to tell the public the things that they think are of the utmost importance.  Some are very simple.  For example, "STOP."  No confusion there.  Then, there are other times where you just have to step back and say, "What the heck was the conversation that lead to deciding on THAT?" 

Here's what I think those conversations looked like for a few of the signs I saw on a recent trip to Bull Shoals, Arkansas ...

********************************************

A: "So, we have these condos and I'm not sure what to call them."

B: "Are they on the water?  Are there boats?"

A: "Nope."

B: "Are they fancy?  Do you need a membership?"

A: "Nope."

B: "Definitely call it 'Yacht Club' then."

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A: "I don't want people to think that we just rent accommodations.  All kinds of people rent accommodations ..."

B: "What else could we rent?"

A&B: "FUN!"

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A: "I really want something that will make college kids and dirty-minded adults laugh.  But, I also have to let people know that we carry lottery tickets."

B: "I've got it!"

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A: "I really like to cremate people."

B: "Me too.  I wonder if there are a lot of people out there like us."

A: "I'd bet there are.  Let's start a society!"

B: "Hurrah!"

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A: "I want to sell used things."

B: "Like a pawn shop?"

A: "Kind of.  But, I don't want things that are worn out."

B: "So, kind of like a resale store?"

A: "Kind of.  But, I want to make sure that people know the stuff is used."

B: "Got it."

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A: "I don't really know what I want to sell."

B: "How do you feel about rhyming?"

A: "I LOVE RHYMING!"

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A: "I've always wanted to be a mermaid or a goddess, but I got stuck being a hairdresser instead."

B: "Why are those mutually exclusive?"

A: "You're SO right!"

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A: "So, I'm going to open a restaurant!"

B: "Awesome!  What will you serve?"

A: "Only soup or subs.  That's it.  Nothing else."

B: "What if you change your mind and decide to start serving other things?"

A: "My friend, I can promise you THAT will never happen."

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A: "Signs are expensive.  I heard they charge by the word."

B: "No way!  How are you going to let people know that you run an establishment where overweight white males with no fashion sense can catch fish?"

A: "Hmm ... Son!  Grab a camera and get in here!"

Ahhhhhh...

Yes, this is an actual photo of the fog rising off the White River at my friends' cabin. 

Beautiful.  Peaceful.  Calm.  I love it.  I'm leaving tonight to go be there through Sunday.  There will be much sleeping, drinking, reading, eating and card playing.  Perfection. 

There really is something about getting away from everything stressful and hectic about your life.  Just retreat to somewhere simpler and more quiet. 

Namaste, my friends.  Namaste.

They're Not Just About Cheese

I blame it on the Swiss.  Some Swiss general said, "You know, I have a lot of stuff to carry around.  I need my knife for cutting my knotted shoelaces.  I need an incredibly small saw for cutting down incredibly small trees.  I need a screwdriver for putting together my cot from IKEA.  I need a nail file so I don't look all disheveled.  And I need a corkscrew for obvious reasons.  I have no intention of carrying all these things in my fanny pack!"  So, he ordered someone to develop a solution.  And now we have this fabulous invention.

As the years have gone by, we've all decided, "If the Swiss can do it, so can we!"

Our cars are not just modes of transportation.  They are concert halls, phones, purses, and (to some) a small apartment.

Our televisions are not just for watching sitcoms.  They have movies to rent, the internet, and music.

Our phones are not just for calling people.  They send texts, connect to the internet, carry our music, take pictures, and hold our games.

I realized that one of my favorite things about a coat I just bought is that it can also hold my iPod and has a hole for my earbuds to come through!

Why is the iPad so much more desirable than the Kindle?  Who wants to just read?!  If it can't hold my books, music, games, newspapers, and shopping list, then I don't want it!

How would you react if your best friend told you they had just purchased a word processor?  I know.  Me too.

So, let us raise a glass to the Swiss.  They were the first content aggregators.  Thanks for the iPad, general.

Power Shoes

Some people have power ties, I have power shoes.  I'm not a short gal, I'm around 5'8" or so.  So, when I pull out my super tall wood platform wedge sandals, I'm getting close to 6'.  People have to look up at me.  My friend, Teresa, could rest her head on my chest.  I notice that women stand farther away, intimidated by my sheer height.  Men stand closer, as they can look me straight in the eye.  Power.  I am an Amazon.  Wonder Woman would be proud.

Solo

Iyaz has a song out called "Solo."  The lyrics are as follows in the chorus:

And I dont wanna go, go
I dont wanna go, girl
I don't want it, no no
I don't want it, down low
I don't want to walk this earth
If I gotta do it solo (solo)

To sum up the song, Iyaz tells us, if you're single, you should probably just go ahead and kill yourself.  Awesome. 
 
I would like all of the single people out there to join me in flipping Iyaz the bird.  Suck it, Iyaz.

Finally

I finally did it.  I'm 31 years old, I've always wanted a cute little nose ring, so I went to Knight Times Tattoo on my lunch break and got it done! 

People have asked me if they're too old to do it, or if they could "pull it off," or if that trend is "out." 

Who cares. Do you want one?  Will you like it?  Then do it! 

And the Dane has spoken.

Friday Funny

This t-shirt design made me laugh today.  Enjoy.

An Old Rant ... But My Favorite

I wrote this a long time ago, but it's certainly reflective of my personality.  I do love a good rant ...

Hotlanta - A Rant in Four Parts

Part I

So, I had to travel to Atlanta, Georgia, for work this week. I left on Sunday afternoon. My plane landed at Atlanta-Hartsfield around 4:30p, so I got my rental car, a sweet Impala, and drove to my hotel. The place is "the" hot hotel in Atlanta right now, TWELVE. My room was twice the size of my apartment, had a full kitchen, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a killer view. I was, needless to say, very pleased with my accommodations. I threatened not to leave.

That evening, I met some friends for dinner at Imperial Fez, a FABULOUS Moroccan restaurant in midtown. There was a five course meal, beautiful decor, belly dancers, gentlemen to wash my hands for me, it was rather enjoyable.

The trip was going swimmingly! Yea!

Part II

I woke up the next morning, fresh as a daisy, and proceeded to stand in the baby care aisle of Wal-Mart for 9 hours. Not fun.

The luxury of my room beckoned me. The shopping at Atlantic Station sang it's siren's song. My feet hurt. I was feeling the beginnings of a cold. I entered the bliss that was my room. How could I come to Atlanta and not shop??? There was a mecca at my fingertips. Ann Taylor. White House Black Market. I walked, I shopped, I purchased. I felt accomplished. And now ... room service.

Part III

I wake up Tuesday morning feeling not so fresh as a daisy. My head hurt. I couldn't stop coughing. My nose was running as if in a marathon. And now, I must drive two and a half hours to Columbus, Georgia, to spend another full day in the baby aisle.

The store was small. The traffic was slow. In 8 hours, I saw 6 people come through the aisle. I was sick. I was tired. I was bored.

I venture to my new hotel: The Hampton Inn. Let me just say, it was not the TWELVE. I go to check in and the lady at the front desk asks me when my baby is due ... ... ... I was not amused. Granted my shirt was one that bloused out at the front when I was leaning forward to fill out paperwork, but PLEASE!!! So, I was rather rude to her to compliment her own rudeness.

The trip started out swimmingly, now it was drowning.

I was annoyed. I was sick. I was tired. I was in BumFuck, Georgia. I throw on a pair of camo shorts, throw my hair in a ponytail and look for a restaurant that will let me in looking like a 14-year-old army brat. There was an Outback right across the street, so I thought I would go there for some beer to cure what ailed me. I made friends with the wait staff and enjoyed a pleasant evening of drinking.

Did I mention that my plane was leaving from the Columbus Metropolitan Airport at 6:10a Wednesday morning? It was.

Part IV

The people at Hertz made a HUGE deal about me bringing the rental car back to the airport 2 hours before my flight was ready to leave. They drilled it in to me. They had me convinced that screaming harpies would come to get me if I was late. So, I wake up at 3:15a to make it to the airport by 4:15a (I was being a rebel and getting there only 1hr and 55min before my flight left! That would show them!).

The navigational system in the car didn't seem to know where this airport was. This was my first warning sign. Luckily, I happened to spot the runway lights out in the middle of the field that I was driving beside. I turn in to the "airport."

If you will notice, I used quotes around "airport." For those of you in this area, you will remember the "airport" at Drake Field. This "airport" was smaller than that.

I park my Impala. Say goodbye to Inez. (That's what I named her, Inez.) I go into the "airport." There are two other people in there. Both were passengers. NO ONE was working in the "airport." Gates were down over the ticket offices. Thank GOD I woke up at 3:15a to make it HERE on time!!!!!

Around 5:00, three people show up to work at the "airport." They check us all through the ticket counter. I notice that no one is leaving their bags with them. They are carrying them off to another counter. Hmmm. Interesting.

It's my turn. I check in, tell them I am checking one bag, and they tell me to take my bag to the TSA counter. Oooookay. All of the flight passengers have now been through check in and are waiting patiently at the TSA counter. The three people from the Delta counter now go over to the TSA counter and begin checking our bags for anthrax, box knives, etc. Apparently, the change of scenery made them feel more authoritative.

Once we are all through TSA, we all go to security. Here's the good part: The people who just checked us in at the Delta counter and checked our luggage at TSA actually CHANGED CLOTHES to become "security!" These are the people who never would have figured out that Superman is Clark Kent without the glasses.

We go through "security" in the "airport" and all is well. I am the sick chick on the plane that I know I wouldn't have wanted to sit by. My clogged sinuses do not enjoy high altitudes. Finally, I am back on land in Arkansas.

I get in my car and think, I miss Inez.

Jealous

I'm jealous of people who outwardly display aggression.

I'm not good at it.  I tend to do one of two things:

1.  Internalize - this can consist of seething, grudge holding, ulcers, self loathing, eye rolling, and a plethora of other behaviors that get no resolution out of the situation.

2.  Sarcasm - this is probably the most productive I get with my aggression.  It consists of making snarky comments in front of and behind the back of the object of my aggression.

I heard a coworker this morning get really worked up about someone not doing what they were supposed to do.  In a loud, commanding voice, they described the situation, described the effects of the situation, and described the outcome of the situation.  I envied my coworker.  I coveted their aggressive prowess. 

I think I'll practice.

Beauty

The Sweet Bay Magnolia in the backyard.  Beautiful. 

Plus, the blossoms smell slightly of lemon.  Mmm.

Tail Wagging

How do you truly protect intellectual property in your day-to-day work life?  Why would you ever think that someone on your "team" would take credit for what you've done?  How do you broach the subject without coming across as a pitiful whiner?  Especially when you don't have what some would consider "proof?" 

I've had this happen at two different jobs with two different "team" members.  Maybe I just need to be more cocky and aggressive.

As my friend's mom always told her, "It's a stupid dog that doesn't wag its own tail."

Aliens

So, I've been watching the ABC show "V."  It seems like a theme where we fantasize that, if aliens did exist, they would have to be different from humans in a very significant way.  Namely, we like to think that they would be emotionless.  Does anyone remember Q from Star Trek?  His biggest detriment when interacting with humans was ... you guessed it ... no emotions.  On V, they know that their kind is becoming part of the "resistance" when they begin to show human emotion.

As human beings, we seem to both fear and exalt emotion.  It's what makes us who we are.  It can be our biggest strength or our biggest weakness.