Let It Go.

So, I was recently talking with some co-workers about my theories of control.  I have two certain theories that I utilize quite frequently.  The first I call the “Hand on Nose” theory and the other is the “What” theory.  There were some doubters and some who had questions.  Thus, I decided I should try to explain what I was talking about just a bit more clearly.  As a disclaimer: I am no philosopher or life coach.  These are just some theories that work for me a lot of the time.  I’m sure there are holes here and there, but I’m also not planning to write a book and go on Oprah to tell millions of people how to live their lives.  Just my thoughts…

“Hand on Nose”

Basically, this is a theory to help manage those crazy “what if” trains of thought that can really drive you crazy if you let it.  For example, you’re worried that your friend is mad at you and they’re going to hate you forever.  Now, put your hand in front of your nose. 

This is to demonstrate how far your control extends.  You can control yourself – your actions and reactions – but not those of anyone else around you.  If it’s something you are truly concerned about, you can exert control over how you act in this situation.  So, you can decide to confront your friend about the problem, you can decide what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, but you certainly can’t control how they’ll react to that confrontation. Make sense?

It’s very much related to the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  It also relates to another one of my favorite quotes,  "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

You can influence people.  You can make suggestions to people.  You can teach people.  You can mediate for people.  You can advise people.   But all I’m saying here is that you can only control yourself, not others.  I would go so far as to say that, if you do  honestly think you can control others, you’d need a spoiler alert before you read the following sentence: The tooth fairy isn’t real.

“What”

This one is to take “Hand on Nose” to a different place.  The mantra is “What?  So what?  Now what?”  Most people seem to have trouble getting to “Now What.”  And now, an example:

WHAT: What’s actually happening? 

My friends are outside fighting.

SO WHAT:  What implications does this have for me? 

Is it my fault?  No.  But, they might come inside and want me to take sides.  They might make things awkward for ALL of us.  They might ruin the WHOLE EVENING!!!!

NOW WHAT: So, what can I do about it? 

I can sit here and worry about it (which is actually ruining my night).  I can go out and step in the middle of it and FORCE them to make up (refer to Hand on Nose).  I can just wait for them to work it out and see what happens when they come inside. I'll make the decision that, if they are horrible and obnoxious, I'll tell them to leave me out of it.  If they are perfectly fine when they come back in, there was nothing to worry about anyway!

It comes down to the idea that I just have to make a decision about how to react to the situation.  Am I worrying about something that (in all actuality) only exists in my own mind right now?  If it’s something real, what am I going to do about it?  Until I make a decision on what action (or inaction) I’m going to take, all it is is a worry hanging out in the ether slowly forming a dark cloud of panic.  Useless.  Absolutely useless. 

So, this is the short version of what I was saying about control.  I try not to overanalyze it.  If it helps, it helps.  But, that’s just me!  

Hugs and ponies,

Amanda

P.S. The "What" theory also helps when you're trying to figure out what to put in a report to the client!  :)