As I have dealt with the utter absurdity that AT&T calls customer service, it came to mind what it would be like if I ran my business the way they do. As most of you know, I work in market research. In my odd little brain, the following scenario was born …
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My company, AS&S, has put forth a proposal to my client. We’ll call her Betsy. Betsy works for a company that sells beauty supplies and has a new lipstick to which she would like to gather customer reactions.
In the proposal, we show her that we can offer her the services she needs at a price she deems reasonable. AS&S is hired. Betsy signs the contract.
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[on a phone call]
Betsy: Hello, Amanda! We would like to conduct some focus groups around our new lipstick. Can you take care of that for me?
Amanda: Of course! No problem!
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[one week later]
Amanda: I’ve sent you the discussion guide outlining the groups.
Betsy: But this only talks about mascara and eyeliner …
Amanda: Yes.
Betsy: But I wanted groups on lipstick.
Amanda: Noted. I’ll just talk you through how this applies to lipstick.
Betsy: (pause) Okaaaaay.
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[another week later]
Betsy arrives for the focus groups, but Amanda has said that she will just show up some time between noon and four o’clock.
Betsy waits. And waits. And waits.
At 4:30, she calls AS&S …
Bamanda: This is Bamanda McPerkyfornoreason! How can I help you?
Betsy: Um, Amanda was supposed to show up for some focus groups between noon and four today, but I haven’t heard from her and she’s not here.
Bamanda: Let me check on that for you! Hold please.
[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]
Bamanda: Well, it looks like we have a lot of focus groups in that area. I can assure you that Amanda will be there sometime today though.
Betsy: Any idea what time?
Bamanda: I’m sorry; it’s against our policy to speculate on the arrival time of Amanda.
Betsy: I suppose I have no choice except to wait then.
Bamanda: Yup! I hope you have a super duper day!
[Betsy waits, but Amanda does not call or show up for the groups]
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[the next day, Betsy calls AS&S yet again]
Camanda: This is Camanda McInept! How can I help you?
Betsy: Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups yesterday, but never showed up or called. I waited until 4:00, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime yesterday, but she never did.
Camanda: Let me check on that for you! Hold please.
[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]
Camanda: It looks like there were a lot of focus groups in that area and Amanda thought that your subject was probably covered in one of them.
Betsy: WHAT???? No, it wasn’t! I still need to get consumer reactions to my new lipstick!!!!
Camanda: What I can do for you is set up some focus groups on Wednesday sometime between 8:00 and noon.
Betsy: That’s a week from now! I needed my information yesterday!
Camanda: I’m sorry. That’s all I can do. We have a lot of focus groups going on in that area! Do you want me to just tell you what I think of your lipstick?
Betsy: What?? No!! I guess there’s not much I can do about it. I’ll have to cancel all my meetings on Wednesday now.
Camanda: You’ll receive an email and a phone call verifying that Amanda will be there.
Betsy: (grumbling) Fine.
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[by Tuesday, Betsy has not received an email or a phone call verifying her appointment, so she calls AS&S … again]
Damanda: This is Damanda McStupid! How can I help you?
Betsy: (speaking faster than a Texas auctioneer) Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups, but never showed up or called! I waited, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime, but she never did! Then I spoke to Camanda and she said that she had rescheduled Amanda for tomorrow! She said that I’d get a phone call and email to verify the appointment, but I haven’t received anything, so I wanted to check!
Damanda: Let me check on that for you! Hold please.
[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]
Damanda: It looks like that appointment never got on the calendar. We can have someone conduct your focus groups next Saturday though!
Betsy: @#!T%$%$&^%FU!!!!!!!!!
Damanda: Ma’am? I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you.
Betsy: LET ME TALK TO SOMEONE IN CHARGE!!!!! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!
Damanda: Let me check on that for you! Hold please.
[Betsy is put on hold for another 20 minutes]
Emanda: This is Emanda McIhatepeople! I’m an AS&S supervisor. How can I help you?
Betsy: (by now, she is unable to control the volume of her voice) FIRST, I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE RIGHT DISCUSSION GUIDE! THEN, AMANDA WAS SUPPOSED TO CONDUCT FOCUS GROUPS! SHE NEVER CALLED! SHE NEVER SHOWED! I’VE BEEN ON HOLD SO MANY TIMES I’VE LOST COUNT! THEN, CAMANDA RESCHEDULED THE GROUPS! THEN, DAMANDA TOLD ME IT DIDN’T GET RESCHEDULED!
[Betsy pauses to hyperventilate and breathe in to a paper bag that was conveniently located near her phone]
THEN, I’M TOLD THAT IT WILL HAVE TO BE RESCHEDULED TO NEXT SATURDAY! THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!! I NEED MY GROUPS NOW!!!!!!!! I NEEDED THEM A WEEK AND A HALF AGO!!!!!!!!!
Emanda: Let me check on that for you! Hold please.
[Betsy is put on hold for 30 minutes. During this time, she has gotten a knife, but has not yet formulated an executable plan.]
Emanda: Betsy? What I can do is get someone out there on Saturday.
Betsy: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Forget it! To hell with this! I want to cancel my work with AS&S!
Emanda: I’ll have to escalate this to another level and have my supervisor, Famanda McDumbass, call you in the morning.
Betsy: FINE!!!!!!!!!!!
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[Betsy receives a phone call the next morning.]
Famanda: This is Famanda McDumbass! I’ll help you cancel your contract with AS&S. First, you’ll need to pay $1,000,000 as a cancellation fee.
[At this point, Betsy goes seriously postal. She drives to the AS&S office and whacks all the employees, from Amanda to Zamanda. ]
Betsy: (panting from the exertion put forth during slaughter, speaking to no one in particular) Damn. I still need to get those focus groups done …
THE END
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This is beautiful. I could HEAR you telling this story.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm sorry you had a crappy AT&T day...