I need to buy chocolate flavored shoes. Seriously. I have a very big problem with just blurting things out. Open mouth, insert foot. This often occurs in one of three scenarios. The first is just an I-can't-believe-that-just-happened kind of scenario. The other two are directly related to one of my virtues and downfalls: trying to be funny. Let's start with the one that makes you close your eyes and shake your head in shame, shall we?
Scenario 1: I don't know they're behind me.
It's true. I don't know how it happens, but if I say something snarky about someone else, they ALWAYS seem to end up being right behind me. I don't say snarky things about people very often, mainly for this reason.
It all started in high school. I'm walking down the hall with one of my BFF's, Jocelyn, and I confide to her that there is this person that I don't really like. I understand that most people like him, but I just don't for some reason. Cue sad voice behind me ... "But I've always liked you ..." Doh! Boy did I feel like a schmuck.
Scenario 2: I don't know they're dumb.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt to begin with. Unless it's obvious that it's not true, I assume that you have a reasonable amount of intelligence. I assume that you are a normal human being. I assume that you have a sense of humor (yes, I associate humor with intelligence). I assume that you will understand sarcasm. I assume that you will not have totally uninformed opinions. I assume that you don't just think stupid shit. I know, I know, "When you assume ... " I've heard the old adage. I guess I'm just a cock-eyed optimist, but I like to think that the really dumb people are a minority! Stop proving me wrong, people!
Cue Danish, "Wow! That person sure is a mouth-breather! *hee hee*!" Dumb person, "What?" "You know, when people walk around with their mouths hanging open and they just look stupid? *hee hee*!" "I don't think you should make fun of someone who has breathing problems." Danish says, "What??? I wasn't ... making ... fun ... oh hell, never mind."
Scenario 3: I just wasn't thinking.
My brain sometimes works slower than my mouth. Okay, my brain often works slower than my mouth. On the positive side, this allows me to say things that are pretty darn funny without the little voice asking me if it's really appropriate.
So, let's say there is a perfect opportunity for an incredibly humorous grandma joke. I love my grandmothers dearly and mean them no disrespect ever, but this is just going to be friggin' funny! Little Devil Danish, who obviously controls the mouth, says, "You're HILARIOUS! Say it! Say it!" Then, a few seconds later, Little Angel Danish, who controls the head, is apparently just waking up from a nap. She yawns, stretches, rubs her eyes, and then says sleepily, "Don't forget that girl's grandma just died yesterday." INFORMATION THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HELPFUL A FEW SECONDS AGO! Then, she's awake enough to help me with an apology for how thoughtless I was.
I really do hate my foot-in-mouth disease and I honestly do try to control it. Sometimes, though ... sometimes I slip ...
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