Density's Child

Okay, I’ll admit it: Sometimes I don’t understand abstract art. I mean, I know that some of it is visually pleasing. But is it tens of thousands of dollars worth of visually pleasing? Seriously?

Does this view make me artistically dense? Possibly.

Granted, not all abstract art is equal. In this case, I happen to be talking about pieces that look like my 5-year-old nephew could have done them.

In my opinion, one black stripe on a white canvas is not art that should be celebrated. Nor is gluing your garbage to a wall. Nor is splattering some paint on a newspaper.

The most successful abstract artists seem to be the best storytellers.  They can convince the general public that they were inspired by the flight of a dandelion seed in the wind in Gorky Park just as a wild albino peacock ran over the toe of their Toms. And that was how they got the inspiration for their latest sculpture “Ham in D Minor.”

I will look at the sculpture and have NO idea where the idea of dandelions, parks, peacocks, shoes, ham, or music comes in. If the artist is REALLY good at his storytelling, I will then feel there is something wrong with me because I didn’t “get it.”

Then, I take a step back and realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

(Not for nothing, but the people that swallow these artists’ stories are probably also the most likely to shave their heads, play the tambourine, and pass out flowers at the airport. I’m just sayin’…)

Now, I totally understand that there are times when a piece of art “speaks” to someone. I’m an emotional gal, I get the concept. I believe that art can stir someone's soul and connect with them. That’s when it’s perfectly okay to spend whatever amount of money you see fit.

On the other hand, if you see it and say, “Wow, that sculpture of metal sticks would really fill that space in the foyer,” and you drop $90,000 on it, you have WAY too much cash and I would like to volunteer to help you spend it.

So, for all of you out there who may be artistically dense just like me, I would like to tell you that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH US.

And for those of you who think I’m crazy and who love this kind of art, I have an old pair of jeans that I cut up, glued around a broken hair brush, and let a pigeon poo on. It’s called “Blam” and I will sell it to you for $40,000. Plus shipping and handling of course.

Top 10 of 2010

Top 10 Types of People I Was SUPER Irritated By in 2010 … in no particular order

1.  Women who are so skinny that their jeggings are baggy.
2. Street preachers who inform me that I, in particular, will be going to hell.
3. Anyone who feeds the pigeons on a crowded sidewalk.  I already think birds are gross.  Don’t make them swarm me.
4. Those who insist that they can fit in the two inch by two inch empty space left on the train and then are highly surprised and annoyed when the doors hit them in the rear end.
5. Airport travelers who act like they had no idea about the security measures until they get up to be checked and have to then take off their shoes and jacket, take out their computer, dispose of the eleventy-million bottled liquids they have, and then they look at you for sympathy.  Seriously, there are a dozen signs telling you about it as you wait in line for an hour AND it’s been in effect since 2003.  My sympathies do not extend that far.  Sorry.
6. Parents who bring nothing for their small children to do when they’re in a restaurant.  Honestly, people.  You really can’t expect your 2-year-old to entertain themselves with absolutely nothing while they are strapped to a chair and no one is paying attention to them because they’re trying to have a “nice dinner.”
7. Those who use humor as a way to “cleverly” disguise true bigotry and racism.  Dude, you’re not fooling anyone.  You’re an a$$hole.
8.  That person out on the dance floor that acts out the lyrics to the song that is playing.  Even if I can’t completely understand the lyrics, I still don’t want to see your interpretive dance.
9. College graduates that still use words like “supposably,” “irregardless,” “anticlimatic,” or “heighth.”  Money well spent, folks.
10. People with no sense of humor.  I think there’s something seriously wrong with those people.

Top 10 Types of People I Was SUPER Appreciative of in 2010 … in no particular order

1.  The inappropriately humorous who have REALLY good timing.  Inappropriate humor isn’t good unless your timing is sheer perfection. 
2. Those who don’t give a rat’s behind about fashion when they are trying to protect themselves from the Arctic temperatures outside.
3. Anyone on the train who gives up their seat to a senior citizen.  Just a quick announcement to you guys out there, giving up your seat to only hot chicks does not make you a good Samaritan.  Don’t look around grinning like a fool expecting someone to give you a medal. 
4. Strangers who smile at you for no particular reason, but don’t look creepy doing it.  It’s a skill.
5. Those women that wear the craziest, most avant-garde outfits and pull it off flawlessly.  Cheers, ladies.
6. The CTA lady at the Division stop that tells each person to have a nice night as we get off the train.  She could just stand there silently, but she decided to use her time to say something nice to her fellow Chicagoans. 
7. Parents who treat their children like children and don’t expect them to be a mature adult at age 12.  Don’t make them do the job of a parent and then act shocked when they dress or act older than their age.  Direct correlation, people.
8.  The perfume lady who waits for me to say “no, thank you” and is kind enough not to spray me with the fragrance of the week.  I and my sinuses thank you.
9. Homeless people who haven’t lost their sense of humor, such as the “need money for ninja lessons” guy.
10. People who don’t take themselves too seriously.

My 2011 wish for us all is to not take ourselves too seriously.  

Taking yourself too seriously can only lead to drama.  Drama makes me roll my eyes.  A lot.  Too much eye rolling could make my near-sightedness worse.  This would mean that I would have to buy new glasses.  Glasses are expensive.  This expense could eat in to my shoe budget.  If I don’t have any shoes, my feet may fall off next winter from severe frostbite. 

So … if you actually WANT to make my feet fall off, please, by all means, take yourself too seriously.  No, really.  I don’t mind.  *sigh* 

No! Really??

Okay, I get it.  Smoking is a bad habit.  I acknowledge this.  I really do.

I try to stand away from others when I do it so they're not bothered.  I don't smoke in my home or in the homes of others.  I do my best not to litter.  I stand the prerequisite 15 ft. from a doorway.  If a child is coming down the sidewalk, I step away so smoke doesn't go toward them.

Here's the thing though ... I'm not an idiot.

It's not like I don't know that it's bad for me!  Just like you know that cheeseburger you're eating is bad for you.  Just like you know that 3rd drink at the bar might not be great for you.  I know it, but I choose to do it anyway.

I don't yell at people who have screaming infants in public places.  It bothers me.  It's noise pollution.  It was their choice to procreate.  But, it's not unbearable for a few seconds as I walk by.   I may think your perfume stinks to high heaven, but it's not socially acceptable for me to do a fake cough and hold my nose as I walk by you.  And before you start getting irate, no, I do not think that these situations are all the same.  I'm just making a point!

I know that many people disagree with what I'm saying, but here's the thing: Do you really think you're telling people something new when you tell them that smoking is bad for them????  Really, Einstein?

If you have people you love that you are truly concerned about because of their smoking, talk to them about it.  Come at it from a place of love.  But do not (I BEG OF YOU) show them a picture of a blackened lung or give them an ingredient list from a pack of cigarettes.  You immediately put them on the defensive and they don't want to talk to you about it anymore!

Smoking is addictive, and ... here's the clincher ... it's something people actually like to do.  It gives us an excuse to go outside periodically.  It gives us a chance to socialize.  It gives us a little buzz.  It calms our nerves.  Etc.

Please, please, please don't act like smokers must be idiots because smoking is nothing more than a way to kill yourself.  Try being a little bit more understanding and they'll probably be more understanding of where you're coming from too.

That's all I have to say about that.

Inspire Me, Dammit!

So, one of my hobbies is making jewelry.  Unfortunately, I have been COMPLETELY uninspired lately!  I feel like everything I make is mundane and trite.  Worst of all, I think it might be boring.  Or, even worse than worst of all ... cute.

Let's face it, I'm not exactly an artist.  But, I like to make things.  Therein lies the rub, dear friends.

How do you deal with wanting to make things and wanting to create, but not having the talent to do so in a big way???

I can't tell you how jealous I am of people I know who truly are artists.  They have the eye, they have the inspiration, they have the drive, they have the talent!  Envy is circling me like an emerald-eyed snake right now.  And I can't think of a thing to do with the emeralds...

Let It Go.

So, I was recently talking with some co-workers about my theories of control.  I have two certain theories that I utilize quite frequently.  The first I call the “Hand on Nose” theory and the other is the “What” theory.  There were some doubters and some who had questions.  Thus, I decided I should try to explain what I was talking about just a bit more clearly.  As a disclaimer: I am no philosopher or life coach.  These are just some theories that work for me a lot of the time.  I’m sure there are holes here and there, but I’m also not planning to write a book and go on Oprah to tell millions of people how to live their lives.  Just my thoughts…

“Hand on Nose”

Basically, this is a theory to help manage those crazy “what if” trains of thought that can really drive you crazy if you let it.  For example, you’re worried that your friend is mad at you and they’re going to hate you forever.  Now, put your hand in front of your nose. 

This is to demonstrate how far your control extends.  You can control yourself – your actions and reactions – but not those of anyone else around you.  If it’s something you are truly concerned about, you can exert control over how you act in this situation.  So, you can decide to confront your friend about the problem, you can decide what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, but you certainly can’t control how they’ll react to that confrontation. Make sense?

It’s very much related to the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  It also relates to another one of my favorite quotes,  "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

You can influence people.  You can make suggestions to people.  You can teach people.  You can mediate for people.  You can advise people.   But all I’m saying here is that you can only control yourself, not others.  I would go so far as to say that, if you do  honestly think you can control others, you’d need a spoiler alert before you read the following sentence: The tooth fairy isn’t real.

“What”

This one is to take “Hand on Nose” to a different place.  The mantra is “What?  So what?  Now what?”  Most people seem to have trouble getting to “Now What.”  And now, an example:

WHAT: What’s actually happening? 

My friends are outside fighting.

SO WHAT:  What implications does this have for me? 

Is it my fault?  No.  But, they might come inside and want me to take sides.  They might make things awkward for ALL of us.  They might ruin the WHOLE EVENING!!!!

NOW WHAT: So, what can I do about it? 

I can sit here and worry about it (which is actually ruining my night).  I can go out and step in the middle of it and FORCE them to make up (refer to Hand on Nose).  I can just wait for them to work it out and see what happens when they come inside. I'll make the decision that, if they are horrible and obnoxious, I'll tell them to leave me out of it.  If they are perfectly fine when they come back in, there was nothing to worry about anyway!

It comes down to the idea that I just have to make a decision about how to react to the situation.  Am I worrying about something that (in all actuality) only exists in my own mind right now?  If it’s something real, what am I going to do about it?  Until I make a decision on what action (or inaction) I’m going to take, all it is is a worry hanging out in the ether slowly forming a dark cloud of panic.  Useless.  Absolutely useless. 

So, this is the short version of what I was saying about control.  I try not to overanalyze it.  If it helps, it helps.  But, that’s just me!  

Hugs and ponies,

Amanda

P.S. The "What" theory also helps when you're trying to figure out what to put in a report to the client!  :)

AT&T Sucks

As I have dealt with the utter absurdity that AT&T calls customer service, it came to mind what it would be like if I ran my business the way they do.  As most of you know, I work in market research.  In my odd little brain, the following scenario was born …

********************

My company, AS&S, has put forth a proposal to my client.  We’ll call her Betsy.  Betsy works for a company that sells beauty supplies and has a new lipstick to which she would like to gather customer reactions.

In the proposal, we show her that we can offer her the services she needs at a price she deems reasonable.  AS&S is hired.  Betsy signs the contract.

********************

[on a phone call]

Betsy:  Hello, Amanda!  We would like to conduct some focus groups around our new lipstick.  Can you take care of that for me?

Amanda:  Of course!  No problem!

********************

 [one week later]

Amanda:  I’ve sent you the discussion guide outlining the groups.

Betsy:  But this only talks about mascara and eyeliner …

Amanda:  Yes.

Betsy:  But I wanted groups on lipstick.

Amanda:  Noted.  I’ll just talk you through how this applies to lipstick.

Betsy:  (pause) Okaaaaay.

********************

[another week later]

Betsy arrives for the focus groups, but Amanda has said that she will just show up some time between noon and four o’clock.

Betsy waits.  And waits.  And waits.

At 4:30, she calls AS&S …

Bamanda:  This is Bamanda McPerkyfornoreason!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  Um, Amanda was supposed to show up for some focus groups between noon and four today, but I haven’t heard from her and she’s not here.

Bamanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Bamanda:  Well, it looks like we have a lot of focus groups in that area.  I can assure you that Amanda will be there sometime today though.

Betsy:  Any idea what time?

Bamanda:  I’m sorry; it’s against our policy to speculate on the arrival time of Amanda.

Betsy:  I suppose I have no choice except to wait then.

Bamanda:  Yup!  I hope you have a super duper day!

[Betsy waits, but Amanda does not call or show up for the groups]

********************

[the next day, Betsy calls AS&S yet again]

Camanda:  This is Camanda McInept!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups yesterday, but never showed up or called.  I waited until 4:00, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime yesterday, but she never did.

Camanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Camanda:  It looks like there were a lot of focus groups in that area and Amanda thought that your subject was probably covered in one of them. 

Betsy:  WHAT????  No, it wasn’t!  I still need to get consumer reactions to my new lipstick!!!!

Camanda:  What I can do for you is set up some focus groups on Wednesday sometime between 8:00 and noon.

Betsy:  That’s a week from now!  I needed my information yesterday!

Camanda:  I’m sorry.  That’s all I can do.  We have a lot of focus groups going on in that area!  Do you want me to just tell you what I think of your lipstick?

Betsy:  What??  No!!  I guess there’s not much I can do about it.  I’ll have to cancel all my meetings on Wednesday now.

Camanda:  You’ll receive an email and a phone call verifying that Amanda will be there.

Betsy:  (grumbling)  Fine.

********************

[by Tuesday, Betsy has not received an email or a phone call verifying her appointment, so she calls AS&S … again]

Damanda:  This is Damanda McStupid!  How can I help you?

Betsy:  (speaking faster than a Texas auctioneer)  Amanda was supposed to show up for focus groups, but never showed up or called!  I waited, called AS&S, and Bamanda assured me that she would show up sometime, but she never did!  Then I spoke to Camanda and she said that she had rescheduled Amanda for tomorrow!  She said that I’d get a phone call and email to verify the appointment, but I haven’t received anything, so I wanted to check!

Damanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 20 minutes]

Damanda:  It looks like that appointment never got on the calendar.  We can have someone conduct your focus groups next Saturday though!

Betsy:  @#!T%$%$&^%FU!!!!!!!!!

Damanda:  Ma’am?  I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you.

Betsy:  LET ME TALK TO SOMEONE IN CHARGE!!!!!  THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!

Damanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for another 20 minutes]

Emanda:  This is Emanda McIhatepeople!  I’m an AS&S supervisor.  How can I help you?

Betsy:  (by now, she is unable to control the volume of her voice)  FIRST, I DIDN’T EVEN GET THE RIGHT DISCUSSION GUIDE!  THEN, AMANDA WAS SUPPOSED TO CONDUCT FOCUS GROUPS!  SHE NEVER CALLED!  SHE NEVER SHOWED!  I’VE BEEN ON HOLD SO MANY TIMES I’VE LOST COUNT!  THEN, CAMANDA RESCHEDULED THE GROUPS!  THEN, DAMANDA TOLD ME IT DIDN’T GET RESCHEDULED! 

[Betsy pauses to hyperventilate and breathe in to a paper bag that was conveniently located near her phone] 

THEN, I’M TOLD THAT IT WILL HAVE TO BE RESCHEDULED TO NEXT SATURDAY!  THAT’S UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!  I NEED MY GROUPS NOW!!!!!!!!  I NEEDED THEM A WEEK AND A HALF AGO!!!!!!!!!

Emanda:  Let me check on that for you!  Hold please.

[Betsy is put on hold for 30 minutes.  During this time, she has gotten a knife, but has not yet formulated an executable plan.]

Emanda:  Betsy?  What I can do is get someone out there on Saturday.

Betsy:  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!  Forget it!  To hell with this!  I want to cancel my work with AS&S!

Emanda:  I’ll have to escalate this to another level and have my supervisor, Famanda McDumbass, call you in the morning.

Betsy:  FINE!!!!!!!!!!!

********************

[Betsy receives a phone call the next morning.]

Famanda:  This is Famanda McDumbass!  I’ll help you cancel your contract with AS&S.  First, you’ll need to pay $1,000,000 as a cancellation fee.

[At this point, Betsy goes seriously postal.  She drives to the AS&S office and whacks all the employees, from Amanda to Zamanda. ]

Betsy:  (panting from the exertion put forth during slaughter, speaking to no one in particular)  Damn.  I still need to get those focus groups done …

THE END

********************

The moral of this story is - AT&T sucks.  If the rest of the world ran their businesses like they do, everyone would get whacked.

Southern Does Not Mean Stupid

The following conversation actually happened:

Them, "You're from Arkansas?"
Me, "Yup."
Them, "Why would anyone want to live in Arkansas?  It's just a bunch of rednecks and cows."
Me, "I used to wonder the same thing about Chicago.  Why would anyone want to live among a bunch of gang members and homeless people?"
Them, "What?  Chicago's not like that."
Me, "And you're just as wrong about Arkansas."

My point is: I firmly believe that there is not a state in our country that doesn't have stereotypes.  And yes, stereotypes come from somewhere.  There are rednecks in Arkansas.  There are gangs in Chicago.  There are ditzy blondes in California.  There are rude people in New York.  There are potato farmers in Idaho.  However, this does NOT mean that everyone in the state exactly the same!

While these stereotypes are excellent fodder for comedians, they are not acceptable in everyday life!  I used to just shake my head in disappointment and chalk it up to ignorance.  Then, I decided, "Why is ignorance okay?  Why is it an acceptable excuse?"  It's not.  Please know that, if I hear you talk about the South as a bunch of dumb hicks, I will gently correct you.  Or not so gently ... it really depends on what you said.  :)

So, as a public service for anyone who holds these stereotypes, let me clear up a few things about myself:

1. I wear shoes.
2. I grew up with running water.
3. I have never had a romantic relationship with a relative.
4. I am not an idiot.
5. I like my Southern accent.
6. I own nothing with the Confederate flag on it because I understand the war is over.
7. I have been to a museum.
8. I don't think of myself as better or worse than you because of where I'm from.
9. I don't think the South will "rise again" because I don't know where exactly it would rise from or to.
10. I was not pregnant at age 12.
11. I have a college degree.
12. I do not own one gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate a rack.
13. I am not a racist.
14. I do not own a pair of overalls.

I'm sure there is more to clear up about myself, but just ask and I'll tell you.  And now, I will end with a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.  

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."