It only took me about 25 years of living to get this one right.
I’ve always been willing to be friends with just about everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I like this about myself and I’ve been blessed with knowing some people that I might not have known otherwise. What took me a quarter of a century to figure out was a simple principle that has been used in business since the beginning of time: investment vs. profit.
It was a stunningly simple realization during a time when my entire life was tumultuous. About seven years ago, I was talking to a new friend about someone I’d been friends with for many years. My old friend was someone who many people wrote off and didn’t want to spend time with. But, she was fun and, to be blatantly honest, I have a soft spot in my heart for anyone who doesn't really have friends. Everyone deserves at least one good friend, right?
As my friendship with this person had developed, she had done many things that were hurtful to me, but were obviously a result of her insecurities. So, I just pushed the hurt aside and told myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Over time, I found myself becoming more and more negative. My already low self-esteem was taking a nosedive. I was no longer acting like myself.
It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my new friend about my history with this person that I changed my thinking. All she said was, “Is this person bringing more good in to your life than bad? Because if not, you really don’t need her.”
Seriously? That’s the secret? That’s what I’ve been too dense to figure out?
(Insert forehead slap here … and maybe a Homer Simpson “DOH!”)
I stepped outside myself and realized how ridiculous I sounded! I wasn’t being kind. I wasn’t being unselfish. I wasn’t being saintly. I was being abusive. To myself. Did I not deserve friends who were kind to me? Did I not deserve to be around people who encouraged me? Did I not deserve to be happy? I wouldn’t have stayed in a romantic relationship where all I did was give and I got nothing in return. Why wouldn’t I “break up” with this friend?
Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. We ended up “breaking up” about three times before it stuck. (Hey, nobody’s perfect!) But ending that friendship really was the best decision I could have made. I don’t wish that person ill will. I don’t hate her. I don’t harbor bad feelings toward her. I just didn’t need her in my life.
I still believe that everyone deserves at least one good friend. However, it took me 25 years to realize that just because that position is open doesn’t mean I have to fill it!
I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the friends I have now. They are amazing. We support each other. We laugh, cry, get angry, get over it, but I know I can always count on my friends! (Insert any other friendship cliché you’d like here! They’re all true!)
Maybe I’m a slow learner, but at least I figured it out! Whatever you invest in a person must be returned in equal or greater value or else you should get out! Period! The end!
The Dane has spoken.
