Flag Pole Sitta

What’s the difference between being paranoid and being perceptive?

I am one of those people who take note of everything happening around me. My mind then translates these notes in to assumptions. Yes, I know the old adage about what happens when you “ass-u-me,” but let’s face it, everyone does it.

Oddly, what happens AFTER I assume seems to define my actions. If I was totally off, I’m paranoid. If I was spot on, I’m perceptive. Really? Maybe I was just off that day!

I think that the real difference between those who are paranoid and those who are perceptive is just how good they are at interpreting the world around them. Do you interpret everything as having something to do with you? Paranoid. Do you think that nothing has to do with you? Clueless. Do you accurately interpret what is going on around you? Real.

I have spoken.

You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry...

I've mentioned before that I'm not that good at being angry. 

Let me preface this with the fact that I honestly don't get to the point that I call true ANGER that often.  Most of my aggressions can be handled with simple sarcasm.  I get that out, I feel better.  However ... there are times when someone or something really gets to me.  When this rarity happens ... It.  Is.  On.

My first instinct is to become a weakness-seeking missile.  I have an uncanny ability to work the subject that will hurt you the most in to the conversation/argument.  Have an insecurity?  I will attack it.  My anger grips your insecurity in its locking jaws and then proceeds to bite and shake it until it is just a quivering mass of pathetic gelatin on the dirty, dirty ground. 

To put it lightly, I get mean. 

Please don't mistake me, I absolutely do not like this part of my personality!  I have learned over the years to really harness all of my self-control to keep the beast in check.  Unfortunately, I kind of went too far to the opposite for a few years.  This is also a bad idea.  I developed ulcers.  Now, I'm at a really good place where I can typically express myself somewhere in the middle.  I'm very happy about this.

However ... Don't push me too far.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

Einstein was Right

Sometimes, you just have to put things in perspective.

In my former life (B.S. - Before Saatchi), I was a case manager and drug/alcohol counselor for Washington County Drug Treatment Court.  This was when I was about 22 years old.

One day, I realized that I had talked 4 people down from suicide, signed up for a class to get my concealed handgun permit, and was attacked by a meth-head diving over a table full of urine samples to try and choke me. 

This all happened in the course of a week.

I quit.

Now, there are days in my cushy corporate job where I think everything sucks or that this is the worst day ever.  Not true.  I need to think to myself, "Self, this is not nearly as bad as the day a meth-head dove over a table of urine samples to try and choke you." 

Hmm ... I think that saying would look lovely cross-stitched in to a sampler. 

The moral of the story: It's all relative.

Branding

So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm kind of a big dork that often finds everyday things fascinating or humorous. 

I think signs can be both fascinating and humorous.  If you think about it, signs are a very concise way for someone to tell the public the things that they think are of the utmost importance.  Some are very simple.  For example, "STOP."  No confusion there.  Then, there are other times where you just have to step back and say, "What the heck was the conversation that lead to deciding on THAT?" 

Here's what I think those conversations looked like for a few of the signs I saw on a recent trip to Bull Shoals, Arkansas ...

********************************************

A: "So, we have these condos and I'm not sure what to call them."

B: "Are they on the water?  Are there boats?"

A: "Nope."

B: "Are they fancy?  Do you need a membership?"

A: "Nope."

B: "Definitely call it 'Yacht Club' then."

********************************************

A: "I don't want people to think that we just rent accommodations.  All kinds of people rent accommodations ..."

B: "What else could we rent?"

A&B: "FUN!"

********************************************

A: "I really want something that will make college kids and dirty-minded adults laugh.  But, I also have to let people know that we carry lottery tickets."

B: "I've got it!"

********************************************

A: "I really like to cremate people."

B: "Me too.  I wonder if there are a lot of people out there like us."

A: "I'd bet there are.  Let's start a society!"

B: "Hurrah!"

********************************************

A: "I want to sell used things."

B: "Like a pawn shop?"

A: "Kind of.  But, I don't want things that are worn out."

B: "So, kind of like a resale store?"

A: "Kind of.  But, I want to make sure that people know the stuff is used."

B: "Got it."

********************************************

A: "I don't really know what I want to sell."

B: "How do you feel about rhyming?"

A: "I LOVE RHYMING!"

********************************************

A: "I've always wanted to be a mermaid or a goddess, but I got stuck being a hairdresser instead."

B: "Why are those mutually exclusive?"

A: "You're SO right!"

********************************************

A: "So, I'm going to open a restaurant!"

B: "Awesome!  What will you serve?"

A: "Only soup or subs.  That's it.  Nothing else."

B: "What if you change your mind and decide to start serving other things?"

A: "My friend, I can promise you THAT will never happen."

********************************************

A: "Signs are expensive.  I heard they charge by the word."

B: "No way!  How are you going to let people know that you run an establishment where overweight white males with no fashion sense can catch fish?"

A: "Hmm ... Son!  Grab a camera and get in here!"

Ahhhhhh...

Yes, this is an actual photo of the fog rising off the White River at my friends' cabin. 

Beautiful.  Peaceful.  Calm.  I love it.  I'm leaving tonight to go be there through Sunday.  There will be much sleeping, drinking, reading, eating and card playing.  Perfection. 

There really is something about getting away from everything stressful and hectic about your life.  Just retreat to somewhere simpler and more quiet. 

Namaste, my friends.  Namaste.

They're Not Just About Cheese

I blame it on the Swiss.  Some Swiss general said, "You know, I have a lot of stuff to carry around.  I need my knife for cutting my knotted shoelaces.  I need an incredibly small saw for cutting down incredibly small trees.  I need a screwdriver for putting together my cot from IKEA.  I need a nail file so I don't look all disheveled.  And I need a corkscrew for obvious reasons.  I have no intention of carrying all these things in my fanny pack!"  So, he ordered someone to develop a solution.  And now we have this fabulous invention.

As the years have gone by, we've all decided, "If the Swiss can do it, so can we!"

Our cars are not just modes of transportation.  They are concert halls, phones, purses, and (to some) a small apartment.

Our televisions are not just for watching sitcoms.  They have movies to rent, the internet, and music.

Our phones are not just for calling people.  They send texts, connect to the internet, carry our music, take pictures, and hold our games.

I realized that one of my favorite things about a coat I just bought is that it can also hold my iPod and has a hole for my earbuds to come through!

Why is the iPad so much more desirable than the Kindle?  Who wants to just read?!  If it can't hold my books, music, games, newspapers, and shopping list, then I don't want it!

How would you react if your best friend told you they had just purchased a word processor?  I know.  Me too.

So, let us raise a glass to the Swiss.  They were the first content aggregators.  Thanks for the iPad, general.

Power Shoes

Some people have power ties, I have power shoes.  I'm not a short gal, I'm around 5'8" or so.  So, when I pull out my super tall wood platform wedge sandals, I'm getting close to 6'.  People have to look up at me.  My friend, Teresa, could rest her head on my chest.  I notice that women stand farther away, intimidated by my sheer height.  Men stand closer, as they can look me straight in the eye.  Power.  I am an Amazon.  Wonder Woman would be proud.