The Dallas Rundown

I just spent 3 days in Dallas for work. Here's the rundown of the trip:

Former co-workers seen at my hotel: 2
Convenience stores visited: 9
Wrong turns taken: MANY
Psychological issues disclosed by participants: 1 (PTSD)
Psychological issues disclosed by random people in a convenience store: 1 (bipolar)
Butt cracks seen: 3 (2 male, 1 female)
Children going nuts for attention during interviews: 2
Cats: 5 (all in one house, achoo!)
Dogs: 3
Men who have been shot eight times: 1
People who passed out and needed oxygen on flight home: 2
Doctors on flight who attended to people who passed out and needed oxygen: 2
Xer who is glad to be home: 1
Days until I go back to Dallas: 2.5

Wish me luck!

The Mind Wanders

Today, I made the 11 hour drive from Fayetteville, AR, to Chicago, IL. Spending that much time in the car with only your thoughts ... you have to figure out how to amuse yourself.

I checked in on random sites on FourSquare: The Jesse James Wax Museum, The Vacuum Cleaner Museum, A Van Down by the River, any random place people have added. That made me giggle for a while. Then, I found something better.

At one point, I drove through Cuba, Missouri. I started thinking that that town has some AMAZING ready-made newspaper headlines should different occupations decide to go on strike...

Hair Brush Factory - The Cuban Bristle Crisis
Personal Trainers - The Cuban Muscle Crisis
Butchers - The Cuban Gristle Crisis
Referees - The Cuban Whistle Crisis
Clergy - The Cuban Epistle Crisis
Landscapers - The Cuban Thistle Crisis

Yup. That's where my mind wanders. I'm sure the other drivers wondered why that crazy girl was laughing her butt off all alone!  :)

Mind like a Teenage Boy…

Last week, I went through a four-day training on “Tools and Techniques of Data Analysis.”  I’m not going to lie. It was ROUGH. I’m not a numbers kind of gal. I like to get the numbers already analyzed. Then, I can go and figure out the “why” behind them. This is how I roll.

That being said, I thought I was doing pretty well in this class! I was holding my own! There were professors in there! And quantitative analysts! For someone with a social science degree, I was kicking some butt!

Until day four.

Day four was when I realized my brain was absolute mush. I came to this conclusion because my thought process became identical to that of a teenage boy.

Instructor: “Let’s take a look at the Phi Coefficient for this.”

My brain: “Fecal Efficient? Is that when you can make it in and out of the bathroom really quickly? Would you cite that in a job interview as a strength? ‘I am very fecal efficient, so long bathroom breaks will not be an issue.’”

Instructor: “What is Krippendorf’s Coefficient of Agreement?”

My brain: “It’s how the sorting hat knew where Harry would live!”

Instructor: “This is an example of Cluster Analysis.”

My brain: “That chart totally looks like Mickey Mouse. M-I-C … see how much fun statistics are? K-E-Y … why? Because you have to! M-O-U-S-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Instructor: “Here is the Pairwise Coefficient.”

My brain: “If it were about a crazy clown, would it be the Pennywise Coefficient? AURGH! Killer clown! We all float down here! Mwahahahahahaha!”

Instructor: “How about this quagmire?”

My brain: “Giggity.”

It was clear that I was officially brain-dead at this point. I hope I managed to retain some of what I learned on day four.  Only time will tell if I did indeed swallow at least a few nuggets of wisdom.

(“Your mom swallows.”)

*sigh*

Shut It

Dear Reader,

Have you ever gotten to that point in a relationship where you knew it was over because you were annoyed by EVERYTHING your significant other did??

 “Do you have to CHEW like that???”

(not even chewing with their mouth open)

“Why can’t you walk in a STRAIGHT LINE and stop bumping in to me??”

(they just wanted to hold your hand)

“You are NOT wearing that RIDICULOUS shirt again!!”

(it’s a blue polo)

“Stop BREATHING so loud!!”

(they were asleep)

Somewhere in your mind, you’re aware that your reaction is a wee bit over the top. But you just can’t help it! The sound of their voice is like nails on a chalkboard! Everything they say is the most asinine thing you’ve ever heard! Absolutely, without a doubt, it’s time to break up.

But, what happens when the person who is leaning on your last nerve is a co-worker? What do you do? I am completely unable to break up with her. Not my choice.

But what do I do, what do I do?

I know that the only suitable answer is for me to change my attitude, but how? PLEASE offer suggestions! I don’t want to go to prison for strangling a co-worker!

Many thanks,

Irritated in Illinois

I get by with a little help...

It only took me about 25 years of living to get this one right.

I’ve always been willing to be friends with just about everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I like this about myself and I’ve been blessed with knowing some people that I might not have known otherwise. What took me a quarter of a century to figure out was a simple principle that has been used in business since the beginning of time: investment vs. profit.

It was a stunningly simple realization during a time when my entire life was tumultuous. About seven years ago, I was talking to a new friend about someone I’d been friends with for many years. My old friend was someone who many people wrote off and didn’t want to spend time with. But, she was fun and, to be blatantly honest, I have a soft spot in my heart for anyone who doesn't really have friends. Everyone deserves at least one good friend, right?

As my friendship with this person had developed, she had done many things that were hurtful to me, but were obviously a result of her insecurities. So, I just pushed the hurt aside and told myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Over time, I found myself becoming more and more negative. My already low self-esteem was taking a nosedive. I was no longer acting like myself.

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my new friend about my history with this person that I changed my thinking. All she said was, “Is this person bringing more good in to your life than bad? Because if not, you really don’t need her.”

Seriously? That’s the secret? That’s what I’ve been too dense to figure out?

(Insert forehead slap here … and maybe a Homer Simpson “DOH!”)

I stepped outside myself and realized how ridiculous I sounded! I wasn’t being kind. I wasn’t being unselfish. I wasn’t being saintly. I was being abusive. To myself. Did I not deserve friends who were kind to me? Did I not deserve to be around people who encouraged me? Did I not deserve to be happy? I wouldn’t have stayed in a romantic relationship where all I did was give and I got nothing in return. Why wouldn’t I “break up” with this friend?

Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. We ended up “breaking up” about three times before it stuck. (Hey, nobody’s perfect!) But ending that friendship really was the best decision I could have made. I don’t wish that person ill will. I don’t hate her. I don’t harbor bad feelings toward her. I just didn’t need her in my life.

I still believe that everyone deserves at least one good friend. However, it took me 25 years to realize that just because that position is open doesn’t mean I have to fill it!

I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the friends I have now. They are amazing. We support each other. We laugh, cry, get angry, get over it, but I know I can always count on my friends! (Insert any other friendship cliché you’d like here! They’re all true!)

Maybe I’m a slow learner, but at least I figured it out!  Whatever you invest in a person must be returned in equal or greater value or else you should get out! Period! The end!

The Dane has spoken.

Density's Child

Okay, I’ll admit it: Sometimes I don’t understand abstract art. I mean, I know that some of it is visually pleasing. But is it tens of thousands of dollars worth of visually pleasing? Seriously?

Does this view make me artistically dense? Possibly.

Granted, not all abstract art is equal. In this case, I happen to be talking about pieces that look like my 5-year-old nephew could have done them.

In my opinion, one black stripe on a white canvas is not art that should be celebrated. Nor is gluing your garbage to a wall. Nor is splattering some paint on a newspaper.

The most successful abstract artists seem to be the best storytellers.  They can convince the general public that they were inspired by the flight of a dandelion seed in the wind in Gorky Park just as a wild albino peacock ran over the toe of their Toms. And that was how they got the inspiration for their latest sculpture “Ham in D Minor.”

I will look at the sculpture and have NO idea where the idea of dandelions, parks, peacocks, shoes, ham, or music comes in. If the artist is REALLY good at his storytelling, I will then feel there is something wrong with me because I didn’t “get it.”

Then, I take a step back and realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

(Not for nothing, but the people that swallow these artists’ stories are probably also the most likely to shave their heads, play the tambourine, and pass out flowers at the airport. I’m just sayin’…)

Now, I totally understand that there are times when a piece of art “speaks” to someone. I’m an emotional gal, I get the concept. I believe that art can stir someone's soul and connect with them. That’s when it’s perfectly okay to spend whatever amount of money you see fit.

On the other hand, if you see it and say, “Wow, that sculpture of metal sticks would really fill that space in the foyer,” and you drop $90,000 on it, you have WAY too much cash and I would like to volunteer to help you spend it.

So, for all of you out there who may be artistically dense just like me, I would like to tell you that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH US.

And for those of you who think I’m crazy and who love this kind of art, I have an old pair of jeans that I cut up, glued around a broken hair brush, and let a pigeon poo on. It’s called “Blam” and I will sell it to you for $40,000. Plus shipping and handling of course.

Top 10 of 2010

Top 10 Types of People I Was SUPER Irritated By in 2010 … in no particular order

1.  Women who are so skinny that their jeggings are baggy.
2. Street preachers who inform me that I, in particular, will be going to hell.
3. Anyone who feeds the pigeons on a crowded sidewalk.  I already think birds are gross.  Don’t make them swarm me.
4. Those who insist that they can fit in the two inch by two inch empty space left on the train and then are highly surprised and annoyed when the doors hit them in the rear end.
5. Airport travelers who act like they had no idea about the security measures until they get up to be checked and have to then take off their shoes and jacket, take out their computer, dispose of the eleventy-million bottled liquids they have, and then they look at you for sympathy.  Seriously, there are a dozen signs telling you about it as you wait in line for an hour AND it’s been in effect since 2003.  My sympathies do not extend that far.  Sorry.
6. Parents who bring nothing for their small children to do when they’re in a restaurant.  Honestly, people.  You really can’t expect your 2-year-old to entertain themselves with absolutely nothing while they are strapped to a chair and no one is paying attention to them because they’re trying to have a “nice dinner.”
7. Those who use humor as a way to “cleverly” disguise true bigotry and racism.  Dude, you’re not fooling anyone.  You’re an a$$hole.
8.  That person out on the dance floor that acts out the lyrics to the song that is playing.  Even if I can’t completely understand the lyrics, I still don’t want to see your interpretive dance.
9. College graduates that still use words like “supposably,” “irregardless,” “anticlimatic,” or “heighth.”  Money well spent, folks.
10. People with no sense of humor.  I think there’s something seriously wrong with those people.

Top 10 Types of People I Was SUPER Appreciative of in 2010 … in no particular order

1.  The inappropriately humorous who have REALLY good timing.  Inappropriate humor isn’t good unless your timing is sheer perfection. 
2. Those who don’t give a rat’s behind about fashion when they are trying to protect themselves from the Arctic temperatures outside.
3. Anyone on the train who gives up their seat to a senior citizen.  Just a quick announcement to you guys out there, giving up your seat to only hot chicks does not make you a good Samaritan.  Don’t look around grinning like a fool expecting someone to give you a medal. 
4. Strangers who smile at you for no particular reason, but don’t look creepy doing it.  It’s a skill.
5. Those women that wear the craziest, most avant-garde outfits and pull it off flawlessly.  Cheers, ladies.
6. The CTA lady at the Division stop that tells each person to have a nice night as we get off the train.  She could just stand there silently, but she decided to use her time to say something nice to her fellow Chicagoans. 
7. Parents who treat their children like children and don’t expect them to be a mature adult at age 12.  Don’t make them do the job of a parent and then act shocked when they dress or act older than their age.  Direct correlation, people.
8.  The perfume lady who waits for me to say “no, thank you” and is kind enough not to spray me with the fragrance of the week.  I and my sinuses thank you.
9. Homeless people who haven’t lost their sense of humor, such as the “need money for ninja lessons” guy.
10. People who don’t take themselves too seriously.

My 2011 wish for us all is to not take ourselves too seriously.  

Taking yourself too seriously can only lead to drama.  Drama makes me roll my eyes.  A lot.  Too much eye rolling could make my near-sightedness worse.  This would mean that I would have to buy new glasses.  Glasses are expensive.  This expense could eat in to my shoe budget.  If I don’t have any shoes, my feet may fall off next winter from severe frostbite. 

So … if you actually WANT to make my feet fall off, please, by all means, take yourself too seriously.  No, really.  I don’t mind.  *sigh*